this is one of the most interesting books that ive ever read. most likely because i found its content to be relevant to my work plus it made me have alot of great insights into my behavior . i havent finished the book yet but it looks promising .. i bought that book to help me get over some one and i think that it has been helpful but whats even more astonishing is that, it helped me get to know myself even more. i feel like i am my own therapist when i read this book.
am currently at chapter 6: '' you are my security blanket ''
it talked about how some people really freak out and panic when they are about to terminate a relationship even when they are miserable in that relationship and knew that ts for their best interests. there is this sense of doom and dread about leaving their partner.
so why is it hard to leave a toxic relationship ? why would anyone prefer to stay in such a destructive relationship rather than go through the break up? why the panic ?
the writer talks about how frail and vulnerable babies are and how well aware they are that without their mother, they wont be able to survive. and at that age, it is true and that is reality, babies cant survive without their mothers. babies are indeed so helpless .
during normal development, parents are supposed to be weaning their babies off .. they are supposed to show their babies how to be independent and how they strong they are. they should continue to offer support as their babies start to de attach their selves away from the parents ..
1.but sometimes, babies are not being weaned off gradually .. or sometimes they are encouraged to be dependent on their parents until a very late age .. so suddenly, you are told that you cant rely on your mum and you are supposed to be taking care of your own self .. that would put you in a state of panic.. because you\ve never survived on your own and you never had the chance to explore that scary world that your mum has always protected you from .
so those who are babies no more, those adults will be feeling insecure, scared and anxious. with very low self esteem and very low self confidence in their ability to survive will try to bond to some one else who can serve as the protector care giver . these individuals believe that they are incapable of surviving on their own. they will seek others to give them support, build their self confidence and they will provide structure and limit their risk taking.
so when these adults lose that relationship, it will feel as if they lost their mother and once again, they will feel vulnerable, weak and not able to survive on their own.
thats why they will hang on into relationships whether good or bad because they believe that their survival will depend on it.
**on a personal level**
i think ive had a similar childhood, i dont mean to sound as if im fxxed up, but i dont believe that ive been weaned off well .. i dont know if thats cultural or not, but until i was 18, my parents would always accompany me everywhere .. i was not allowed to go out on my own and my parents will even come with me to doctors appointments . i was not allowed to drive until i was 22 i think because my parents didnt feel comfortable letting me go out on my own. i do now acknowledge the fact that my parents and esp my dad is OVERPROTECTIVE . so anyway, when i was 22, suddenly my dad was telling me to run my own errands on my own .. to go to my appointments or do whatever on my own .. i do recall my first visit to my GP on my own, i was very restless waiting for my appointment and i was very frightened when i was answering his questions.. i was so afriad that ill forget a symptom or that ill give a wrong answer that would lead to a missdiagnosis .. the world that ive always known suddenly became mysterious and complicated .. when i went out shopping on my own, i remember after spending 3hrs in the mall, i returned with nothing and i was extremely tearful .. i couldnt make up my mind, i didnt know what to buy , i didnt know what looked good or bad on me .. i had to ask the peoplein the shop for their opinion, god sometimes i even called my mom to help me pick a color ..
without my parents, i felt weak and vulnerable although i was an adult .
al7amdallah, i do function independently now and im no longer insecure but i have to be honest, i am indecisive most of the time and i do seek others opinion esp when it comes to clothes and stuff ..
2. the other interesting part of this chapter is our choices of partners. the adult will try to pick partners that resemble their parents to resolve the unresolved issues. they will try to solve their childhood wish of getting her parents to be more what she wanted them to be. and he gives some really interesting examples:
people with a parent who is depressed when they were kids, will get involved with depressed partners and will try their best to make them happy. because when they were kids, they wanted to please their parents but they couldnt and now they are reliving their childhood wish and trying to make it happen
people with mean cruel parents will choose cruel lovers and will try to make them kind.
** on personal levels **
reading that chapter brought in some buried memories . i started recalling the conflicts between my parents .. i am dad's best friend now but when i was young, my dad was never around .. i can hardly remember doing anything with my dad when i was a kid .. i do remember my mum being sick most of the time .. she had kidney problems along with other health issues .. and she was the main care giver.. she was making us food, taking us to school and helping us with school work afterwards.. plus she was the one who took us out either to shop or out to have fun .. i do recall remembering how my parents fought , do recall how my mum was crying and i do remember her leaving the house a couple of times .. however, i dont remember how that made me feel .. did i feel weak and useless back then ? did i want to help them ? did i want to fix them? i cant really remember .. all i know that when it comes to partners, i always go for the broken hearted miserable messed up people who needed to be saved. am i trying to save those people just like i was hoping that id save my parents ?
another theory that i had is.. in my 28 yrs, i can only remember one compliment that i got from my mom .. just one .. i dont think she ever complimented me except that time .. i remember my mum telling some one that i was a good daughter because she could rely on me to take care of younger siblings .. and i do recall feeling so happy and proud .. so i mustve made that connection in my head back then, thats in order to be seen and noticed .. in order to exist .. in order to be a good person .. i must take care of others .. i knew that the only way that i could please my mum with is by taking care of others ..
maybe thats why i always have this obsession of wanting to take care of others .. maybe thats why i only get intimate with those who need to be taken care of .. maybe thats why i find it hard to let go because i feel the need to take care of my ex partner .. maybe thats why i ended u being a doctor .. maybe ..
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