Unresolved anger

Ive been spending a fair amount of time analyzing my recent break up!  Although it was a decision that i never ever imagined myself to make and although ive invested all my energy in avoiding it, somehow things always got more complicated n harder to resolve.

I know that i wanted it to work, that i wished for us to stay together but there is always a new obstacle! And i always manage to deal with it, yet i remain with feelings of anger and insecurity.

Maybe its not about now.. Maybe the obstacle doesnt exist in the present but in the past. I am starting to have a sense that this is all began 2 yrs ago..

This is all started in blogger.. A few years ago, i was an active blogger! Ive blogged about everything and you could read about my whole life online.. I am a curious creature and i love reading about peoples lives and stuff so i seeked other bloggers who also dont mind sharing their life with the whole world. At that time, blogger was slowly becoming a place to advertise for your products, poems or share reviews about the newest trends n gadgets! People stopped " journaling "" and were doing nothing but judging. I went threw alot of blogs and got nothing but disappointment until i hit my ex"s blog! There was nothing much there too., a couple of art work, ideas, music videos but what drew me into them was their own lil personal statement at the end.. Their blog was personal and i dont know why! I was drawn into that person and i had this great curiosity and really wanted to know them.

Their last post was dated a couple of months or was even a year ago but that didnt stop me from trying to reach out flr them. You can see how intrigued i was.. I left a comment with my email and prayed that ill get a reply...

Months passed by and i totally forgot about thay blog.. I even gave up.. Then i get an email from that blogger and we managed to connect.

It was an instant connection, i felt like i knew them and my curiosity grew to respect and admiration . slowly after, i felt as if i was falling for them.. I had a crush but they were too young and things were complicated.

I couldnt drag that innocent young soul into a complicated sexual dilemma so i kept my feelings to myself and prayed that theyd feel the same one day..

My ex was not only young n innocent but also clumsy and lack social intelligence. They managed to drag me into trouble so many times. At one occasion, i ended up being accused of being a bad person and a bad influence..

I dont claim to be an angel but definitely i am a very decent respectful person and to be called a bad influence was an insult! I waited for my ex to fix the misunderstanding but they do a thing.. Then i waited for atleast an apology and i got nothing!! So i felt humiliated and angry and i also was forced to walk away and was not allowed to be in their life.

6 months passed by when i was really torn between what i wanted ( which is my ex ) and what i should do ( stay away because i was asked to ) .. Eventually my ex shows up back in my life hoping that we would fix it! I was super excited until they told me that they were involved in a relationship in the past 6 months..

I know that i shouldnt feel that way but i felt betrayed. I was really hurt and felt completely betrayed! I was also angry!

Ive always wanted to be with my ex, ive wantdd to be their first but i shut myself up coz i didnt want to drag them into this complicated relationship!  I was selfless and their safety and peace of mind were my priority!! 

I thought by not dragging them into this relationship with me, i could help them have a normal life with no secrets or conflicts! I wanted them so badly but i knew that there was a price that they had to pay if they wanted to be with me but i didnt want them to pay it! I didnt want them to go thru what i was going through!

So ive forbid myself from being close to em only for em to be close with some one else who then they claimed that they had no interest in them!

I was so angry and so furious!!!! That person couldve been me.. I couldve beem the first kiss, the first cuddle! I couldve been the first real intimate experience n ive lost it because i was trying to be decent!! That made me feel completely betrayed .. 

From that day, things changed! True, we did eventually hook up and we were intimate but i could never forget that incident! Ive nevet trusted my ex and ive always been angry!

I guess the reason im bringing this up now is, maybe my anger is not related to these lil conflicts we had recently! Maybe it is the unresolved anger and tje inability to trust them for the past 3yrs now

I know i shouldve discussed that with them back then and im guilty for that! But there isnt much to do now anyway..

This revelation wont fix us but it might hell fixing me