let go

 why is it difficult to let go ? well, letting go is considered to be a loss so i understand that but some people such as yours truly tend to hang on into even painful things! why is that? why is it so hard to let go of what hurts us the most? why do we prefer to live in pain rather than let go of it ?

well when you let go, two things might happen. you either live in pain because of your loss or you become happier because of whatever you gain ( peace of mind or a better partner or whatever )
 if happiness was a possible consequence, why is it still hard to do it ?
i think its because fear is a stronger emotion thus a stronger reinforce. AND because people are taking happiness for granted nowdays ..
let me break this down for you. i think people think of'  happy' as the default mode. like happiness is what the baseline should be but when you are sad, your psych has lost its equilibrium .

in reality ,moments of happiness pass by too quickly and never cherished until its gone. we tend to take it for granted. but once we are sad, the panic alarm goes off .. you are now aware of your negative feelings and you dwell on them.
i think its because you are actually MORE MINDFUL of your negative state thus you end up getting to know these negative emotions like fear or anger more than positive emotions.
 if i ask you to describe a situation that made you sad? i bet you will be able to tell me how exactly you felt, how weak your body felt and how hard it was for you to breathe, you will be able to tell me how your sleep was not restful and how heavy your soul felt.
but if i tell you to describe me a happy state, you prolly wont be able to provide as much details as your negative emotion and the reason is, that you probably paid more attention to how you felt when you were low. so you know your negative emotions better and you know how capable they are of messing your life thus you are afraid of being in that state again .
 the fact that u cant recall positive feelings as good as the negative, makes you underestimate the impact it had on your life .. you hardly remember how you slept when you were happy or how productive you were or how relaxed and peaceful you were back then so you dont know it as much as negative state . so logically, negative emotions will be a stronger driving force than positive.

what im trying to say is .. when we think about letting go and even when we consider the positive experience that we might get as a result of it, fear is still the dominant force .. we are afraid of the consequences .. we are afraid of loneliness, of misery, of pain, because we know these states very well.

there is also the fear of uncertainty .. we all are afraid of the unknown . so fear drives us to hang on into these relationships .. although they are painful but we are afraid of what might happen as a result, which could be more pain !! and we know better than to ask more of that pain.

BUT IF YOU REALY think about it .. there is no uncertainty in letting go .. you can pretty much predict what will happen after letting go .. it all has one ultimate end result .. :

 ex:
- ideally: 
letting go of a toxic relationship --> peace of mind --->  happier and more positive --> attraction of other happy positive people --> replacing the toxic relationship with a loving trustful relationship

- the more naturalistic way: 
letting go of toxic relationship -->; withdrawal pain --> doubts/regrets --> relapse back into the toxic relationship ( which we dont want )
 or
 letting go of toxic relationship -->; withdrawal pain --> push through it and remind yourself why you shouldnt be there --> withdrawal gets less with time --> less doubts -->  more confidence --> meeting other people and replacing the toxic relationship with a healthier relationship

 this is the only way this can go .. prolly the only variable would be the meeting people part .. and this is the part that might seem to be the  scariest yet, its the part which we have most control of !! depending on how daring you are, u could meet people quickly or slowly ..
sometimes you can  fool urself into staying loyal and not meeting others , until you see yourself being replaced and lets hope that would be a trigger for you to let go!!!  or you can go ahead and try to meet others and remind yourself that it takes time to connect and you got all the time in the world and all the ppl in the world.!!
after every relationship, you end up writing a list of shoulds and shouldnts , things that you wished youve done or didnt ..the person you thought u should've been then . well guess what? now u are meeting some one new who knows nothing about you and u can be whatever u want to be now .

how exciting this is !!! when you have problems letting go, that  doesnt mean that we are in love with that person SO MUCH that we cant leave them. it has nothing to do with love. letting go is about fear .. we are afraid of what will happen to us or to them after leaving .. fear will always haunt us and stop us from doing things . no one lets go of those who they love unless theyve reached misery ..
so whats the worse case scenario of letting go if you were there already ?
 it cant get any worse, can it ? then it can only get better.
you dont need to be strong to let go, u need to be daring.
 remember its a 50:50 chance of happiness vs misery when you let go
and if you are already miserable then u really got nothing to lose i guess
if you have hit rock bottom, you can only go up from there .

Be Daring,
and Let Go

self delusion and addiction.

how to break your addiction to a person by Howard Halpern.

chapter 8 talked about the traps that we create ourselves that keeps us addicted.
 Whether its fear of being alone or fear of failure, we tend to come up with excuses in order to avoid break ups.  these traps are:

 1. Rationalization:
Its coming up with excuses for the toxic partner. You try to rationalize his behavior in order to keep him. Statement such as " its not that he doesnt love me, he is just afraid of commitment " is common.
I know that i myself made alot of excuses myself too, including lack of social/emotional intelligence, impulsivity and even took the blame myself for the failure of this relationship, in order to keep my relationship alive and i guess the only way to know the truth is , to ask other ppl for their opinion. Those who are not driven by emotions will  be able to provide you with mere facts.
If you are feeling sad and alone then this IS reality. You ARE sad and alone and coming up with excuses for your partner will not make you less sad and alone.


 2. Idealization:
You got stuck on the positive attributes and disregarded their negative side! Its an easy trap n the best solution is to write a list of what you like about em and what makes em special n a list of what you hate and why you think this relationship is not working and you will be amazed when you see the whole picture!
 I was able to come up with 7 items for why i should fight for it and 28 items why i should let go! Some of these stuff were extremely powerful n i couldnt believe that ive forgotten about them. This is NOT an exercise of learning how to hate some one. Nobody is perfect and im not promoting perfectionism! Im talkinh about stating facts and being able to see the whole picture. i think this is an extremely powerful tool to help us get unstuck.

 3. Unfounded hope. 
This is what hit me the deepest. Ppl can stay in toxic relationships hoping that one day it will get better and they use signs to prove it and most of these signs are distorted!

While i was reading this paragraph, i had a hug revelation. Something that ive never thought of!
 The book listed some examples for unfounded hope statements such as; " if he didnt really love me, why does he keep on going out with me " or " alot of ppl say that they never wanna get married but now are married "
 I wrote my own list of hopeful questions that sounded bit similar to these examples: -
If they didnt love me, why do they keep coming back? 
Why do they go thru the hell i Put em thru? This must be love 
- if they didnt love me, why would they keep on flirting with me despite being in a serious committed relationship? I bet they love me more and one day, they will come around
 - maybe if they see the new improved version of me, maybe if they live with me for a while,i bet they will fall in lovr with me again?

 What i realised is, that they could be as scared as me!!!!!
 They are scared of loss, they are scared of being alone! They are stuck in this toxic relationship because of the same reasons why im stuck!
We both are scared of letting go because we are afraid of being alone or afraid of the consequences of losing such a big part of our lives! they are probably as scared as i am , scared of how their life will be without their best friend .. scared of how that will change them .. scared of how lonely some aspects of their life will be now that their partner in crime is no longer available.
my ex is not fighting back for me because of love!!! No.!!!  It is fear!!
Their new partner is a choice that they made out of love while i am a choice that they made out of fear. And the reason why they were flirting  is because, either they thought that they should give me something to make me stay, out of fear of losing me,  or that they are players and most likely, its the first scenario coz Most of the times, i initiated it and they have accepted jt! ive always been the kisser and the giver, they prolly accepted it out of fear and, not out of longing and wanting of that affection.

Either way, this doesnt work for me. Do i really want to give such a person the best version of myself?
no, i am not saying that they are a bad person. they are not. i am just stating that their decision to keep me n their life was not out of love but out of fear.
i know when it comes to love,  love has driven them towards their new partner. on the other hand, fear is what keeps them coming back to me ..
And i dont want to be feared, i want to be loved.

Unresolved anger

Ive been spending a fair amount of time analyzing my recent break up!  Although it was a decision that i never ever imagined myself to make and although ive invested all my energy in avoiding it, somehow things always got more complicated n harder to resolve.

I know that i wanted it to work, that i wished for us to stay together but there is always a new obstacle! And i always manage to deal with it, yet i remain with feelings of anger and insecurity.

Maybe its not about now.. Maybe the obstacle doesnt exist in the present but in the past. I am starting to have a sense that this is all began 2 yrs ago..

This is all started in blogger.. A few years ago, i was an active blogger! Ive blogged about everything and you could read about my whole life online.. I am a curious creature and i love reading about peoples lives and stuff so i seeked other bloggers who also dont mind sharing their life with the whole world. At that time, blogger was slowly becoming a place to advertise for your products, poems or share reviews about the newest trends n gadgets! People stopped " journaling "" and were doing nothing but judging. I went threw alot of blogs and got nothing but disappointment until i hit my ex"s blog! There was nothing much there too., a couple of art work, ideas, music videos but what drew me into them was their own lil personal statement at the end.. Their blog was personal and i dont know why! I was drawn into that person and i had this great curiosity and really wanted to know them.

Their last post was dated a couple of months or was even a year ago but that didnt stop me from trying to reach out flr them. You can see how intrigued i was.. I left a comment with my email and prayed that ill get a reply...

Months passed by and i totally forgot about thay blog.. I even gave up.. Then i get an email from that blogger and we managed to connect.

It was an instant connection, i felt like i knew them and my curiosity grew to respect and admiration . slowly after, i felt as if i was falling for them.. I had a crush but they were too young and things were complicated.

I couldnt drag that innocent young soul into a complicated sexual dilemma so i kept my feelings to myself and prayed that theyd feel the same one day..

My ex was not only young n innocent but also clumsy and lack social intelligence. They managed to drag me into trouble so many times. At one occasion, i ended up being accused of being a bad person and a bad influence..

I dont claim to be an angel but definitely i am a very decent respectful person and to be called a bad influence was an insult! I waited for my ex to fix the misunderstanding but they do a thing.. Then i waited for atleast an apology and i got nothing!! So i felt humiliated and angry and i also was forced to walk away and was not allowed to be in their life.

6 months passed by when i was really torn between what i wanted ( which is my ex ) and what i should do ( stay away because i was asked to ) .. Eventually my ex shows up back in my life hoping that we would fix it! I was super excited until they told me that they were involved in a relationship in the past 6 months..

I know that i shouldnt feel that way but i felt betrayed. I was really hurt and felt completely betrayed! I was also angry!

Ive always wanted to be with my ex, ive wantdd to be their first but i shut myself up coz i didnt want to drag them into this complicated relationship!  I was selfless and their safety and peace of mind were my priority!! 

I thought by not dragging them into this relationship with me, i could help them have a normal life with no secrets or conflicts! I wanted them so badly but i knew that there was a price that they had to pay if they wanted to be with me but i didnt want them to pay it! I didnt want them to go thru what i was going through!

So ive forbid myself from being close to em only for em to be close with some one else who then they claimed that they had no interest in them!

I was so angry and so furious!!!! That person couldve been me.. I couldve beem the first kiss, the first cuddle! I couldve been the first real intimate experience n ive lost it because i was trying to be decent!! That made me feel completely betrayed .. 

From that day, things changed! True, we did eventually hook up and we were intimate but i could never forget that incident! Ive nevet trusted my ex and ive always been angry!

I guess the reason im bringing this up now is, maybe my anger is not related to these lil conflicts we had recently! Maybe it is the unresolved anger and tje inability to trust them for the past 3yrs now

I know i shouldve discussed that with them back then and im guilty for that! But there isnt much to do now anyway..

This revelation wont fix us but it might hell fixing me

how to break your addiction to a person by Howard Halpern.

this is one of the most interesting books that ive ever read. most likely because i found its content to be relevant to my work plus it made me have alot of great insights into my behavior . i havent finished the book yet but it looks promising .. i bought that book to help me get over some one and i think that it has been helpful but whats even more astonishing is that, it helped me get to know myself even more. i feel like i am my own therapist when i read this book.

 am currently at chapter 6: '' you are my security blanket ''


it talked about how some people really freak out and panic when they are about to terminate a relationship even when they are miserable in that relationship and knew that ts for their best interests. there is this sense of doom and dread about leaving their partner.

so why is it hard to leave a toxic relationship ? why would anyone prefer to stay in such a destructive relationship rather than go through the break up? why the panic ?

the writer talks about how frail and vulnerable babies are and how well aware they are that without their mother, they wont be able to survive. and at that age, it is true and that is reality, babies cant survive without their mothers. babies are indeed so helpless .

during normal development, parents are supposed to be weaning their babies off .. they are supposed to show their babies how to be independent and how they strong they are. they should continue to offer support as their babies start to de attach their selves away from the parents ..

1.but sometimes, babies are not being weaned off gradually .. or sometimes they are encouraged to be dependent on their parents until a very late age .. so suddenly, you are told that you cant rely on your mum and you are supposed to be taking care of your own self .. that would put you in a state of panic.. because you\ve never survived on your own and you never had the chance to explore that scary world that your mum has always protected you from .
so those who are babies no more, those adults will be feeling insecure, scared and anxious. with very low self esteem and very low self confidence in their ability to survive will try to bond to some one else who can serve as the protector care giver . these individuals believe that they are incapable of surviving on their own. they will seek others to give them support, build their self confidence and they will provide structure and limit their risk taking.
so when these adults lose that relationship, it will feel as if they lost their mother and once again, they will feel vulnerable, weak and not able to survive on their own.
thats why they will hang on into relationships whether good or bad because they believe that their survival will depend on it.

**on a personal level**
i think ive had a similar childhood, i dont mean to sound as if im fxxed up, but i dont believe that ive been weaned off well .. i dont know if thats cultural or not, but until i was 18, my parents would always  accompany me everywhere .. i was not allowed to go out on my own and my parents will even come with me to doctors appointments . i was not allowed to drive until i was 22 i think because my parents didnt feel comfortable letting me go out on my own. i do now acknowledge the fact that my parents and esp my dad is OVERPROTECTIVE . so anyway, when i was 22, suddenly my dad was telling me to run my own errands on my own .. to go to my appointments or do whatever on my own .. i do recall my first visit to my GP on my own, i was very restless waiting for my appointment and i was very frightened when i was answering his questions.. i was so afriad that ill forget a symptom or that ill give a wrong answer that would lead to a missdiagnosis .. the world that ive always known suddenly became mysterious and complicated .. when i went out shopping on my own, i remember after spending 3hrs in the mall, i returned with nothing and i was extremely tearful .. i couldnt make up my mind, i didnt know what to buy , i didnt know what looked good or bad on me .. i had to ask the peoplein the shop for their opinion, god sometimes i even called my mom to help me pick a color ..
without my parents, i felt weak and vulnerable although i was an adult .
al7amdallah, i do function independently now and im no longer insecure but i have to be honest, i am indecisive most of the time and i do seek others opinion esp when it comes to clothes and stuff ..


2. the other interesting part of this chapter is our choices of partners. the adult will try to pick partners that resemble their parents to resolve the unresolved issues. they will try to solve their childhood wish of getting her parents to be more what she wanted them to be. and he gives some really interesting examples:
people with a parent who is depressed when they were kids, will get involved with depressed partners and will try their best to make them happy. because when they were kids, they wanted to please their parents but they couldnt and now they are reliving their childhood wish and trying to make it happen

people with mean cruel parents will choose cruel lovers and will try to make them kind.

** on personal levels **
reading that chapter brought in some buried memories . i started recalling the conflicts between my parents .. i am dad's best friend now but when i was young, my dad was never around .. i can hardly remember doing anything with my dad when i was a kid .. i do remember my mum being sick most of the time .. she had kidney problems along with other health issues .. and she was the main care giver.. she was making us food, taking us to school and helping us with school work afterwards.. plus she was the one who took us out either to shop or out to have fun .. i do recall remembering how my parents fought ,  do recall how my mum was crying and i do remember her leaving the house a couple of times .. however, i dont remember how that made me feel .. did i feel weak and useless back then ? did i want to help them ? did i want to fix them? i cant really remember .. all i know that when it comes to partners, i always go for the broken hearted miserable messed up people who needed to be saved. am i trying to save those people just like i was hoping that id save my parents ?

another theory that i had is.. in my 28 yrs, i can only remember one compliment that i got from my mom .. just one .. i dont think she ever complimented me except that time .. i remember my mum telling some one that i was a good daughter because she could rely on me to take care of younger siblings .. and i do recall feeling so happy and proud .. so i mustve made that connection in my head back then, thats in order to be seen and noticed .. in order to exist .. in order to be a good person .. i must take care of others .. i knew that the only way that i could please my mum with is by taking care of others ..
maybe thats why i always have this obsession of wanting to take care of others .. maybe thats why i only get intimate with those who need to be taken care of .. maybe thats why i find it hard to let go because i feel the need to take care of my ex partner .. maybe thats why i ended u being a doctor .. maybe ..

my own private little space ..

ill be my own little therapist .. maybe then, ill find my answers ..

free association
A psychoanalytic technique first developed by Sigmund Freud and still used by some therapists today, free association invites patients to relate whatever thoughts come to mind, without censorship or embarrassment, in order for the therapist and patient to learn more about how the patient thinks and feels.

let the analysis begin .